Containment Breach

So many things. So many random thoughts in my head. Flashes of memory triggered by the words of others. Unhappiness, exhaustion, feelings of failure.

The monster in the closet is scratching at the door. I've been holding it closed as hard as I can but it gets stronger and stronger. I am just not good enough.

Too many things happening at once and feeling overwhelmed. Being a burden. Being a bad wife and mother. Creating more stress in an already stress-filled now. Why can't I fix this?

Scared about money, about losing my job, about damaging my children with my alternating apathy and rage. Feeling like I'm alone even when everyone is around me. Feeling selfish. Not strong enough.

Not strong enough.

Not good enough.

Talking to a friend reminded me that when you have a history like I like we do...sometimes when you are already vulnerable and stressed? The memories breach their containment. Flood you. (Her words, not mine). So very true. I am flooded. Containment breached. (But even in the darkness I cannot resist a Star Trek reference. I'm such a nerd.)

I've been down this road before. I was hoping never to visit this place again and yet here I am. I called the doctor today and he called in a prescription for Welbutrin in addition to the Zoloft I am already using to fight off my depression. I'm sure I'll be fine soon but for now? Not so fine.

I know it will get better. I just can't see better from here. Yet.



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