Friday, May 1, 2009

Depression sucks does anxiety. Bad. I hate them both. They make me so mad and sad and stressed and worried all of the time. They rob me of sleep and the ability to take joy in my husband and my daughters and my son. They were NOT invited into my home, and yet they have managed to show up anyway. I hate them. I want them gone. NOW.

For the past two days, I kept thinking in my head. "I'm not ok. I'm not ok." I tried to tell my husband what was wrong but all it seemed that I could get out between sobs was "I'm not ok." I feel so bad for him, not enough sleep with the baby and having to deal with my drama. I actually tried to apologize to him, telling him that he certainly didn't sign up for all of this when we got together. I'm sure he thinks I'm completely nuts by now but as he so succinctly put it today:

"for richer and poorer and in sickness and in health" so yeah, I guess I did sign up for all of this. (end quote)

I know I 'should' be looking at this time as a learning experience. I should be trying to figure out why I have this challenge and should be grateful to God (or insert your choice of higher power here) for giving me the ability to survive it. Know what? I can't. I'm too pissed off right now that I'm feeling like complete SHIT. (Yep, I said it. I'll say it again too.) I feel like complete shit almost all of the time. I lost track of how many times I've cried in the last 72 hours.

I'm pissed off because my brain lacks the ability to produce the proper amount of seratonin to make it so that I can function as a decent human being. I'm pissed off that I lost that particular genetic crapshoot. (Yeah, thanks again MOM.) I'm pissed off that I have spent the better part of this week moping around my house feeling shitty. I'm pissed off that I'm barely functioning enough to take care of my family and that my daughter is getting what little is left over once I've taken care of my infant son. (Don't even get me started on how much my husband has been neglected.)

I'm pissed off that I haven't been to work all week. (OK, maybe not totally mad about that...we have actually been dealing with a bit of illness that is NOT related to my being screwed up...and really....who hates missing work? Unfortunately, missing work equals risking losing the job which sends me straight into another panicky and emotional tailspin.)

Know what though? Pissed off is good. Why? Because I've had it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pissed off is better than I was feeling. I was feeling hopeless and like I was stuck in a hole that I couldn't get out of...ever.

I have a memory of being on a beach when I was a kid. (I was born in Florida in case you didn't know.) Can't remember how or why or even how old I was but I was buried in the sand. (Not TOTALLY but most of my body...apparently we thought this was fun to do...on purpose even. I remember trying to dig my way out because I was getting sick of being stuck in one place. I remember starting to feel panicked because I couldn't work my way out. I remember calling for help and thinking I could hear someone laughing, maybe thinking I was just being funny. I started to cry and it seemed like forever. I felt like I was going to be stuck there and would never get out and would be left alone and no one would help me or save me and the tide would come in and...

Whoops, sorry. Flashback. (Must remember to ask Aunt Judie if she remembers that incident at all...)

Anyway...I realized that I am feeling that way a LOT lately. Stuck. Panicking. Scared. Worried. And THAT, my friends, has just made me good and pissed off. Guess what though? Pissed off is good - better than good. Pissed off is freaking phenomenal. Why? Because now I'll do something about it. I will NOT be robbed of my happiness in my husband and my children and my LIFE. My life may not be perfect, but I love it and it is MINE and I want it BACK.

So you know what 'depression'? Are you listening 'anxiety'? Good. Then hear this:

Screw you because you are getting evicted IMMEDIATELY (if not sooner).


P.S. Note to self:

1) Sleep.
2) Call doctor's office and explain to them (politely of course) that I will NOT be waiting a week to be seen for a medication adjustment. I will see whoever can see me in order for me to get in immediately.
3) Call insurance company and find out which therapists in the area are covered by my insurance and which can help me with cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I'm going all in baby.

Edit: I added another thing to my 'To Do' list.

4) Catch my son rolling over on camera. :D


MLC's Mom said...

I hear you loud and clear. I hope things get better for you.

Sunshine Mama said...

I'm feeling for you...there were a few days last week that were pretty aweful for me too. Sleep definitely least for me it did. You should come by this weekend if your in town.

But good for you for reaching out. Any LITTLE thing you can do to improve things feels hard, but it will make a difference.

We love you.

Kami said...

I can so relate! My second kid is 14 months old and my depression went 12 months before I decided to take real action (willing it to go away didn't do much for me). Now, after six weeks on meds and no more breast-feeding, I feel like a new woman! No, scratch that. I feel like myself. And the whole family has benefited! Hang in there.

Heidi said...

Congratulations on recognizing your depression! Seriously, this is a MAJOR step. I went through this with my second child and didn't know it at the time or couldn't recognize it. Just know you aren't alone.

Jill said...

I hear you too. You're taking the right steps. I LOVE your comment about being pissed that your brain doesn't produce enough seratonin. I get pissed about that too!!

Erin said...

I followed you over from dooce (hope that's not stalkerish) anyhow I wanted to tell you that I hope you get everything you need.

Jo said...

Not at all Erin. *grin* I do it all the time. Thanks for visiting. I'm doing ok right now. I think the sun is helping. Taking a pretty good dose of Zoloft and some vitamin B too. ;)

The anxiety still kicks my a$$ once in awhile but I'm coping. Thanks for checking in and feel free to stop by again!

Jennadesigns said...

I too, followed you over from Dooce. I just wanted to say I hope things get better for you soon. I just had my second child, a baby girl, 4 months ago and I can relate. I've struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. Never was it so bad as when I had my son 6 years ago, and this time, I tried to prepare myself that it might get worse. I do take meds, and breastfeed, and wish also that Heather would share what tweek she made so that others in our position could possibly benefit. Unfortunately, we don't all have the ability to find the best doctors to treat our problems, but damn, sometimes I wish we did!

I like how you articulated just how pissed off you were about the chemical issue... that's where I am. I'm over being angry about the fact that my brain's not wired right, I just get so irritated that it is so seldom talked about. I make a point to talk about it because I think more people need to know that depression/anxiety effects a great number of people. So, to that end... thank you for speaking out on your blog! I wish more people were as courageous.

Mary said...

Came over from Dooce. Just to let you know (or remind if you already knew) that if the Zoloft doesn't work, several other drugs are OK during pregnancy and nursing. I'm one of those blessed souls who doesn't respond well to the normal SSRIs (Zoloft made me gain 60 lbs and sleep 12 hours a day; Prozac gave me the shakes; something else added another 40 lbs - why yes, trying to treat my depression DID make me gain 100 lbs!). Now I'm on Wellbutrin (and have an 8 week old nursing fiend!), and it's totally like night and day from my first baby.

Good for you for realizing you needed something to help!

Unknown said...

came from Dooce to send a hug and say go kick some MD butt ad get what you need girl! An your hubby sounds great.

Anonymous said...

Hey there! I found you via Dooce, and I just wanted to offer my two cents of encouragement. I had severe PPD after the birth of my firstborn. The anxiety was crippling; the depression was devastating. Getting help for it was the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I went to counseling and started on Zoloft. My family rallied around me and my husband realized how serious it all really was. Please know that you WILL come through this! I'm in such a better place today because of all of it - I know it sounds crazy to say, but it really is true. And I am able to appreciate each day with my little boy as such a blessing because there were days in the beginning when I wondered if I would ever feel that way.

Anyway, sorry to write a book here, but I just want to encourage you!

tracy @mamacreates said...

I can't remember where I found you....

I feel for you & I struggle every day, all the time, with depression & anxiety, feelings of guilt & worthlessness, hopelessness, and WILL I EVER FEEL GOOD AGAIN. I've been on various meds off & on for years, but never seem to feel good enough, you know? I went off my meds when I got pregnant & promptly went a little koo-koo, forcing me back on meds half-way through.

I had my first appt this morning with a psychotherapist, who switched up my meds again, and who wants to start seeing me weekly to work through what the underlying issues meds cannot help with. I do feel hopeful, although my insurance sucks and the financial aspect of weekly appointments freaks me out.

Good luck to you, and I hope to read another post from you soon to see how you're doing :)

Alena said...

Screw Depression. Screw PPD. Screw anything that takes away from the good we should be having.

kris said...

I have had dips and bumps in the road since then, but the last period of serious depression for me was during my second pregnancy.

And you have done such a good job here of capturing that feeling? I am not going to go into depth. It was bad. And I felt such guilt.

Who feels hopeless and depressed when she is about to have a second daughter? A daughter she has dreamed of having? Crazy people, that's who. Unworthy people.


I felt like such a total failure.

OK, and then?

Kallan was born. And in the 24 hours after her birth?

Whatever had been screwed up in my body? Righted itself. Seriously.

That quickly and that magically?

I was me again.

Which leads to the knowledge that it isn't always about a positive attitude or good sleep or less stress or exercise.

Sometimes? Your body is just out of whack.

Not your fault.

Not my fault.

I hope I am smart enough to ask for help next time.

As you are smart enough here.

Brie said...

I'm right there with you. I've debated medication back and forth so much. My father is a diagnosed schizophrenic (talk about needing to keep your serotonin in check, right?) and I'm always afraid that with my extreme mood swings, anxiety, and bouts of depression that I've picked it up and have kept it in a long time. I'm glad you reached out and wrote this. Maybe I need to reach out, too!

Anonymous said...

here from Pretty All True - I have been fighting with depression since I was a "moody" teenager, and was raised with the mentality that only the weak get help; if you're strong enough you can fix yourself.
I finally realized that I was strong enough to fix myself, so I went to my doctor and got what I needed to get better!

Fragrant Liar said...

Yes, don't get mad, get even! Or a prescription!

Having dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, I can totally relate. I had four little ones at home during the worst of it. And a jagoff husband. But hey, it gets better!

Grace @ Arms Wide Open said...

Here also from Pretty all true.

i just want to say, i've been there. I am 26 months postpartum, fighting PPD/A, and what a journey it has been. Depression is a nasty devil, and I sincerely hope & pray that you can get the help you need and SOON.

You are not alone.
You are most definitely not to blame.
You will be well!

Alexandra said...

Not alone, not at all.

I'm here, so many others are, too, look at all the comments.

I had a particularly bad bout last month, my bloggy friends posted for me.

Wouldn't have made it w/o them checking in on me daily.

It can get crushing, and strikes like lightning out of nowhere.

Thanks for your honesty.

It helps so much to know that others have survived.