...so does anxiety. Bad. I hate them both. They make me so mad and sad and stressed and worried all of the time. They rob me of sleep and the ability to take joy in my husband and my daughters and my son. They were NOT invited into my home, and yet they have managed to show up anyway. I hate them. I want them gone. NOW.
For the past two days, I kept thinking in my head. "I'm not ok. I'm not ok." I tried to tell my husband what was wrong but all it seemed that I could get out between sobs was "I'm not ok." I feel so bad for him, not enough sleep with the baby and having to deal with my drama. I actually tried to apologize to him, telling him that he certainly didn't sign up for all of this when we got together. I'm sure he thinks I'm completely nuts by now but as he so succinctly put it today:
"for richer and poorer and in sickness and in health" so yeah, I guess I did sign up for all of this. (end quote)
I know I 'should' be looking at this time as a learning experience. I should be trying to figure out why I have this challenge and should be grateful to God (or insert your choice of higher power here) for giving me the ability to survive it. Know what? I can't. I'm too pissed off right now that I'm feeling like complete SHIT. (Yep, I said it. I'll say it again too.) I feel like complete shit almost all of the time. I lost track of how many times I've cried in the last 72 hours.
I'm pissed off because my brain lacks the ability to produce the proper amount of seratonin to make it so that I can function as a decent human being. I'm pissed off that I lost that particular genetic crapshoot. (Yeah, thanks again MOM.) I'm pissed off that I have spent the better part of this week moping around my house feeling shitty. I'm pissed off that I'm barely functioning enough to take care of my family and that my daughter is getting what little is left over once I've taken care of my infant son. (Don't even get me started on how much my husband has been neglected.)
I'm pissed off that I haven't been to work all week. (OK, maybe not totally mad about that...we have actually been dealing with a bit of illness that is NOT related to my being screwed up...and really....who hates missing work? Unfortunately, missing work equals risking losing the job which sends me straight into another panicky and emotional tailspin.)
Know what though? Pissed off is good. Why? Because I've had it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pissed off is better than I was feeling. I was feeling hopeless and like I was stuck in a hole that I couldn't get out of...ever.
I have a memory of being on a beach when I was a kid. (I was born in Florida in case you didn't know.) Can't remember how or why or even how old I was but I was buried in the sand. (Not TOTALLY but most of my body...apparently we thought this was fun to do...on purpose even. I remember trying to dig my way out because I was getting sick of being stuck in one place. I remember starting to feel panicked because I couldn't work my way out. I remember calling for help and thinking I could hear someone laughing, maybe thinking I was just being funny. I started to cry and it seemed like forever. I felt like I was going to be stuck there and would never get out and would be left alone and no one would help me or save me and the tide would come in and...
Whoops, sorry. Flashback. (Must remember to ask Aunt Judie if she remembers that incident at all...)
Anyway...I realized that I am feeling that way a LOT lately. Stuck. Panicking. Scared. Worried. And THAT, my friends, has just made me good and pissed off. Guess what though? Pissed off is good - better than good. Pissed off is freaking phenomenal. Why? Because now I'll do something about it. I will NOT be robbed of my happiness in my husband and my children and my LIFE. My life may not be perfect, but I love it and it is MINE and I want it BACK.
So you know what 'depression'? Are you listening 'anxiety'? Good. Then hear this:
Screw you because you are getting evicted IMMEDIATELY (if not sooner).
P.S. Note to self:
2) Call doctor's office and explain to them (politely of course) that I will NOT be waiting a week to be seen for a medication adjustment. I will see whoever can see me in order for me to get in immediately.
3) Call insurance company and find out which therapists in the area are covered by my insurance and which can help me with cognitive-behavioral therapy.
I'm going all in baby.
Edit: I added another thing to my 'To Do' list.
4) Catch my son rolling over on camera. :D