Monday, August 15, 2011

Not There Yet

So I feel like I'm doing ok, but really I'm not. The slightest little thing still brings me to tears. Today it was not getting a leave slip approved for my therapy appointment. Yesterday it was a broken head band. Little and silly inconsequential things but they still make me lose my composure.

It's not fair, having to choose between crying and being angry.

I can't wait until I feel better.

I can't wait until I have more energy.

I can't wait until I stop looking at the clock at 7pm, wishing it was bed time.

I'm supposed to call my doctor on Friday and let him know if the medications are working. I didn't take any Ativan today because it is "as needed' and I was being hopeful that I wouldn't need it. Guess I needed it after all.

I'm really hoping that the way I feel today won't be the way I feel on Friday. If it is then it might mean the medicines aren't working. That also means weeks more of feeling this way while we try something else.

I can't do weeks more of this. I just can't.

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Lauren Hale said...

I love you. You rock. You are not alone and you ARE going to be okay.


I love you. (yes, again. Because I really do)


Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

Wishing you a calm, peaceful, happier day today. Definitely take that medication and don't wait until Friday to call your doctor if you are struggling. Call now.

Katherine @ Postpartum Progress said...

I so understand what you are saying. It will get better. Really. I can completely remember watching the clock, whether it was waiting for my husband to come home or praying that it was almost nap time or bedtime, because I felt I just couldn't handle it anymore. You are not alone in that.

Joan from Minnesota said...

Hi Jo from Minnesota - I am Joan from Minnesota - Saint Paul born & bred! I kicked postpartum depression, anxiety, and panic disorders ass - with time, meds, therapy, support, a great group of survivor mamas, my family, awesome blogs that made me realize I was NOT alone, and a whole bunch of other things. There is a great group of us, right here in good ol' Minnesota - if you need someone who can relate. We would love to meet you or talk with you! Sending love and strength your way - you are a great mama! You will kick ppd's blankity blank - that is one thing I can be absolutely positive about! Feel free to contact me at

Mskirko said...

I know the feeling. You won't have to deal with it forever. I promise. I felt this way too in December. The end of my rope. In tears all the time. Not myself. Wanting to feel like a normal person again. And it got better! It really did! Medication did help. It will help you. It might take time, but you WILL feel better. You will. I promise. I didn't think I would ever feel normal again. And 7 months later looking back on it, I remember the feeling and I'm so thankful I'm past it and I didn't believe I ever would.

Tricia said...

Hey friend - thinking of you today and sending love and support your way. Your blog post brought back clear memories to me when I was reading it of those seemingly endless days, waiting for the reprieve of sleep, that never came for me, nap time, or a time where I could just not have to be "on" when I was switched off inside, when I felt another day was too much to bear, when I wanted answers, tried medications and simply wanted joy again. Just to feel joy in the two beautiful children that I had and couldn't enjoy as much as I felt I should. It takes time, patience, especially patience with yourself, you are doing all you can - you are sharing, you are letting people know how you feel which is more than I could ever do, because there was nowhere to turn, or at least I didn't think anyone else had felt this way. I worked for weeks to get medication that worked but it DID eventually and the time passed, even when it felt like days of a long blur, bereft of any feeling except deep sadness, tears or irritability with everyone and everything. Like the lady from MN said, you need support more than anything, until you start to feel better and you WILL. You are doing better than you think and the people around know that. Let yourself be nurtured when you can, ask for help or get your husband to ask and try and rest when you can. We are behind you. We have all walked this path and SURVIVED and you will too.

Hugs mama. I am happy to email anytime or call me if you would prefer.
Tricia xxxx

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are. I wanted to wish myself (or convince myself) that I was better when I wasn't. For a long time my anxiety was out of control and I actually thought it was the new normal. I was miserable. Time has been my healer -- more than anything else. I understand when you say "I can't do this anymore." I said that to myself many, many times. I thought, "It's just sadness. Why can't I deal with it?" But for me the overwhelming sadness was just defeating. Know that others (including myself) have been where you are. You WILL get better. YOU WILL. It's a long road. And it would feel so much better to know where the end is. But it does come.

Jo said...


i went to each of your blogs to express my appreciation for all of your support. I am who I am because people like you care. Thank you so much.

Commenter at 6:47 - I couldn't get to your blog or profile. If you ever come back here, please know that I appreciate your words very much. Please email me at minnesotajoy at gmail dot com if you come back around.

Kristen Helbert said...

Hi! I'm the 6:47 commenter. I tried to log in as my AOL IM address but it came through weird, didn't it? Please feel free to contact me directly at ballstcard at aol dot com. Blessings to you. Kristen

Anonymous said...

Please don't take Ativan. I took it "as needed"' and here I am on week two of bad withdrawal symptoms. I was taking a small dose at bed time for a few weeks during a move we made. I became dependent in such a short time.

I started to experience PPD and major anxiety about a month after my son was born (3rd child). The anxiety started over migraines. I didn't know what they were. After a year of multiple tests, doctor visits and trying different meds here I am having the worst anxiety thanks to Ativan. It's a horrible drug and I should've known better while taking it because it made me feel like it was too good to be true.

Jesus bless you and help you. His comfort and grace along with testimonies from other moms are the only thing that has carried me this far.