Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Fear

Some days it feels like I am always afraid. I look at my kids and worry that something will happen to them. I check to make sure that they are breathing when they are sleeping. I tell them that I love them all of the time. I do everything I can to make them safe and pray that it is enough. I send my husband off to work and worry that he'll be in an accident, that his car will slip on the ice and he'll be hurt. I even look at my dog and hope he'll be alive when we wake in the morning. The cat drives me nuts and I still worry about her too.

I heard stories of people who have lost their children to illness and other horrible things. I look at my babies and am so scared that it will happen to them. Sometimes I am crippled by the fear. I don't want my family to leave the house in case something will happen.

I know that these feelings are my anxiety at work. I remind myself that these feelings will pass. I have adjusted medications and am working on getting more sleep so that I'm not at the mercy of exhaustion in addition to everything else. I am seeing a doctor and talking about how I'm feeling.

Most of the days I am fine, but some days I'm just afraid of EVERYTHING.

Brad and I had a disagreement last night over something. It was just one of those things that is fairly minor but gets blown out of proportion by stress, anxiety, exhaustion, etc. and seems way more important at the time. I fell asleep before we'd worked it out. He'd left for work before I woke up.

What if something happened to him before I saw him again? What if the last time I saw him I was mad at him?  Never again. I won't live my life feeling fear and regret. Next time I don't care if we are up all night - we will be working it out before we go to sleep.

I realized today that I'm not ruled my fear nearly as much as I used to be. I realized it because today I felt a bit like the 'old' me and I didn't like it.

Tonight when my husband comes home, I'm going to hug him and tell him I love him and apologize not making it right last night. I gave my fear an excuse to make an appearance and I don't plan on doing that again any time soon.

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Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Hello Loyal Readers:

Lots has happened since I was here last. My father-in-law is on the transplant list for a new heart. My oldest is about to graduate from high school. My second started high school. The Boy started pre-school. The Moo started (continues) to drive us all nuts. The Husband is doing well at work.

I have an opportunity to go to a red carpet movie screening next week and I am soooooo excited!! I don't want to give too much information here in case it falls through but I read the book and adored it. I'm planning on taking my girl Katy with me and she's over the moon. I'm looking forward to spending individual time with her.

I haven't been around much. Too busy living life I guess. However, you shall be seeing a lot more of me and I am going to use this blog for what it is intended - an online journal about the comings and goings of our family.

I don't have anything profound to write today. I'm working up my courage. I just wanted to say that I missed you guys. Stop by the comments and say hi. :)

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