"Nothing occurs at random."
"Events, like people, are drawn to you, by you, for your own purposes."
The above comments are taken from a response that I got after posting my thoughts this morning. (Thanks Tom!)
I went back and read what I'd written earlier today...and was tempted to delete it all in embarrassment. However, I decided not to do this. Why? Because whether my words, thoughts and emotions were "right" or "wrong", they were how I feel. I'm learning that I should never be ashamed of that.
I think that instead of being embarrassed or ashamed by the entire episode, I will take time to think about what this experience has taught me.
So far, I have learned that when I am really tired...I should sleep. Trying to function in a normal fashion when I am extremely sleep-deprived is beyond my capabilities at this point. Being pregnant makes that impossible. Heck, just being without significant SLEEP makes that impossible...forget the pregnant part.
I have learned that it is sometimes necessary remind myself that I AM pregnant. You'd think it would be impossible to forget. Apparently it is not. I try to act, think and feel like I normally would "sans-fetus". Guess what? Can't do it. Too much going on physically, mentally and hormonally. Does this mean I'm playing the "pregnant card"? Not really. Try being pregnant then tell me how easy it is to maintain the status quo. I can tell you that it is nearly impossible. Emotions are all over the place...not to mention the physical stuff that goes along with it. GAH.
I have learned that I need to think before speaking. Right now, it seems my "filter" is broken. You know...that thing in your brain that tells you to "Shut the hell up"? I normally have a pretty good one, but I discovered today that it can fail without any warning whatsoever. That sarcastic little voice in my head that I can normally keep silent apparently runs rampant without the filter. That filter also tells me when to save something for later and think about it before discussing it. I miss my filter. I want it back.
I've already acknowledged that mistakes were made and apologized to my aforementioned friend for my poor word choices. I will not beat myself up about this situation anymore. If my friend chooses to end our friendship based on one conversation...well...that is unfortunate.
I called a friend (one who is actually speaking to me) after my earlier blog post. I needed to vent and needed to know if I was being a big fat jerk about the whole thing. This friend is the wife of my ex...and I know from experience that she be honest with me and tell me if I'm being a moron. (We've been known to have a scream fest or two way back in the day.) The fact that she likes me is really nice and the validation I needed at the time that I must be at least an "ok" person. (I mean really...she's married to my EX. If she likes me I must not be THAT bad. LOL) I gave her the conversation word for word...which was easy since it was all over IM. She really didn't think I was that bad. In fact, when I got to the "I'm done" part...she was SHOCKED. She actually gasped. She basically said, "No way she is talking about your FRIENDSHIP. Not over that conversation!!" I assured her that is exactly what "I'm done" meant. We talked for awhile, I cried for awhile and the conclusion we came to is that if someone is willing to end friendship over something so...not that horrible...then maybe it is for the best. She also said some other really nice things that made me feel better and for that I'm grateful. (Thanks Steffie.)
I'm sure that as time goes by and my friend continues to not speak to me I will be sad. I know that I'm a good friend (most of the time) and if she feels the same then she will do what she can to fix this situation. If doesn't feel the same...well...that's too bad. As for feeling like crap for what I said...."I'm done."