Friday, September 23, 2011

My Girl Part II

Part I of the story can be found here.

When I was pregnant with Laura, I went through some pretty tough times. I had horrible beyond horrible morning sickness. Just to give you an idea of just how sick I was...I was 147 pounds the day I found out I was pregnant, 149 pounds the day I delivered and 123 pounds two weeks postpartum - the same weight I was in high school when I thought I was so fat. (Ugh. I wish I could go back in time and kick my OWN ASS.) Luckily, Laura was 8 pounds when she was born so my sickness didn't hurt HER at all.  I survived mainly on bean burritos. (To this day, Laura still loves them. Must be because that was about all I could eat for nine months.)

Me prior to le bebes
I was also very unhappy. I was in a relationship that just wasn't right for either of us. I was coping with an unexpected pregnancy. I was whiny and needy and probably the world's WORST girlfriend. (Again with the wanting to go back in time and kick my own ass.) I was working at a job I hated...a job that didn't understand the amount of work I was missing due to the illness during my pregnancy. I also lived with a room mate that was not prepared to have a baby living with her. I didn't have the money to find another place of my own and I didn't have family to support me. Life was...difficult.

One day I finally broke down. I couldn't breathe and I could not do anything but cry. My heart was racing and I was completely overwhelmed. A friend at the time drove me to the hospital. I didn't know what they could do for me but all I knew was that I was NOT OK. I was scared I was having a heart attack or that this overwhelming panic was going to hurt the baby and I could not stop crying.

Prior to this day, I'd never had any sort of diagnosed depression or anxiety. I'd struggled a little but never thought my feelings were any worse than anyone else. I knew I had a family history of mood disorders but didn't think that it affected me at all. Sure I cried a lot my whole life but I was just sensitive.

My memories of that day are pretty foggy. The hospital decided it would be best if I was admitted because I was obviously struggling and having a pretty major episode of depression and anxiety. They admitted me to the psychiatric unit - taking care to reassure me that it was not because I was necessarily a danger to myself but more because they were concerned about my pregnancy. (Not what they put in my record but WHATEVER). It would be easier to monitor me while they put me on medications (prior to this I'd never been medicated) and psych made more sense than the OB unit because of the issues that I was having at the time.

The first night was hard. I remember not being able to sleep but being so very exhausted. I remember being checked on constantly and can see the light from the doorway shining right on my face every time the door opened. I remember blood pressure checks and crying a lot. I remember being so scared that I was always going to feel overwhelmed and full of panic.

I also remember thinking that the doctors were liars and that they put me in the Loony Bin because they thought I was crazy and their words and reassurances were just to keep me from freaking out more.

I was also so very frightened that I was turning out just like my mother.

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Jenna said...

reading and listening. thank you for your willingness to write this out. you are brave.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your fight with depression!! i've been battling with my own depression and at times i feel I am loosing the me faith when others can share their stories, albeit different, still depression thank you!!