Some days it feels like I am always afraid. I look at my kids and worry that something will happen to them. I check to make sure that they are breathing when they are sleeping. I tell them that I love them all of the time. I do everything I can to make them safe and pray that it is enough. I send my husband off to work and worry that he'll be in an accident, that his car will slip on the ice and he'll be hurt. I even look at my dog and hope he'll be alive when we wake in the morning. The cat drives me nuts and I still worry about her too.
I heard stories of people who have lost their children to illness and other horrible things. I look at my babies and am so scared that it will happen to them. Sometimes I am crippled by the fear. I don't want my family to leave the house in case something will happen.
I know that these feelings are my anxiety at work. I remind myself that these feelings will pass. I have adjusted medications and am working on getting more sleep so that I'm not at the mercy of exhaustion in addition to everything else. I am seeing a doctor and talking about how I'm feeling.
Most of the days I am fine, but some days I'm just afraid of EVERYTHING.
Brad and I had a disagreement last night over something. It was just one of those things that is fairly minor but gets blown out of proportion by stress, anxiety, exhaustion, etc. and seems way more important at the time. I fell asleep before we'd worked it out. He'd left for work before I woke up.
What if something happened to him before I saw him again? What if the last time I saw him I was mad at him? Never again. I won't live my life feeling fear and regret. Next time I don't care if we are up all night - we will be working it out before we go to sleep.
I realized today that I'm not ruled my fear nearly as much as I used to be. I realized it because today I felt a bit like the 'old' me and I didn't like it.
Tonight when my husband comes home, I'm going to hug him and tell him I love him and apologize not making it right last night. I gave my fear an excuse to make an appearance and I don't plan on doing that again any time soon.