Friday, September 14, 2012

Not Sure How To Feel

I'm sitting on the couch watching the kids play with toy cars. Harper comes up to me and says "Cally poop". Turns out that Harper pooped (on the floor) but was more than willing to blame it on the cat.

Jamie is running around with his backpack full of toys. He's pretending to go to school. His friend Abby started school and he's feeling sad about it. He keeps asking me if he gets to go when he's 4 like Abby. Poor guy.

I was cleaning up my bookmarks on Google Chrome and realized there was still some stuff on there from my old job. As I was deleting them, I clicked on one by accident. Out of curiosity, I decided to see if my position had been filled. (These things tend to happen very slowly at my old job.) Turns out that I've been replaced. I'm glad because the students and faculty at the university where I worked need a support person or the job wouldn't exist. I'm also sad because now there is officially no going back.

I knew that when I left that it was forever. There were many factors behind my leaving and most of them have probably not changed. Even if we decided that my staying at home was not working out, I'd still find a different job. Still, seeing it in writing that the door is now closed for me makes me feel...well, I don't know how to feel.

Not long ago, a student asked me when I was coming back. It was nice and I was happy knowing that I had been appreciated. Being away from the situation makes me remember the good stuff and forget about some of the challenges. Being with the kiddos at home is the right thing. I know it and they love being home with me and I love being home with them.

Can't help thinking about the 'what ifs' though.

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Erin said...

When I left my job I literally called and said I was done (I had already put in my notice for 8 weeks out when our nanny (also my sister) was hospitalized for a month and it just needed to be done). I went in a few weeks later once everything was calmed down and packed up my desk and since it was during the day I saw none of my team, there was no good bye. Just done. At the time I was happy to have it bee that way but as the weeks and months passed I was sad that after 15 years there was no goodby. No reaching out via various channels to wish me luck. nothing. And i can never go back, I don't ever want to go back, but it still stings a bit.

Anonymous said...

It's going to be a process, thats for sure. You've moved to a new place. Moving is always weird. And moving almost always involves longing for where you used to be--regardless of whether or not it was actually where you wanted to be. Familiar is comfortable. New is not. Knowing what to expect is easy. Making up something from scratch is not. But it is going to be so, so good. It's going to be an adventure. Love you, friend!