I'm all sniffly and snotty and hormonal today, which I know from experience is completely normal. Being pregnant really makes you thin-skinned when things come along that bother you.
Today I read a beautiful blog post and it got me thinking about my mom. I'm so sad that she'll not be here with me while I am growing this child within me.
She has never seen any of her grandchildren. Occasionally, I am caught off-guard by this and am astounded all over again. She will likely never see any of her grandchildren. Not because she is dead, although I have no way of knowing if this is true or not. She might be dead. I haven't seen her since some time in the early 1990's. I have no idea where she lives or if she lives or the kind of life she is living.
Based on her life, her choices, her substance abuse and a past that I'm still working through...I will likely never see my mother again. It took me many years to get to the point that I recognize that it is because of HER life, HER choices, HER substance abuse and not because of me or anything I did. Most days, I remember this. Some days I forget and am so very fortunate that I have a husband who reminds me all the time.
My husband has his own story. One I am so very proud of and one that someday I hope he will put down in written words that I can share. My husband is able to beat the demons and fights (and wins) his own battle every single day against substance abuse.
My husband, my babies, my friends and the many people who have adopted me into their own lives and their own families give me the love and strength that I need EVERY SINGLE DAY and I am so grateful for all of them.
I was watching the movie "Stuart Little" with the family the other day. There is a scene where Stuart tells his adoptive parents about the 'empty space' that he has inside where his mom and dad go. I know just how he feels. I know my mom will never be a part of my life and I've come to terms with it. However, knowing that doesn't make the empty space go away.
I miss my mom.