Sunday, August 15, 2010

I Miss My Mom

I'm all sniffly and snotty and hormonal today, which I know from experience is completely normal. Being pregnant really makes you thin-skinned when things come along that bother you.

Today I read a beautiful blog post and it got me thinking about my mom. I'm so sad that she'll not be here with me while I am growing this child within me.

She has never seen any of her grandchildren. Occasionally, I am caught off-guard by this and am astounded all over again. She will likely never see any of her grandchildren. Not because she is dead, although I have no way of knowing if this is true or not. She might be dead. I haven't seen her since some time in the early 1990's. I have no idea where she lives or if she lives or the kind of life she is living.

Based on her life, her choices, her substance abuse and a past that I'm still working through...I will likely never see my mother again. It took me many years to get to the point that I recognize that it is because of HER life, HER choices, HER substance abuse and not because of me or anything I did. Most days, I remember this. Some days I forget and am so very fortunate that I have a husband who reminds me all the time.

My husband has his own story. One I am so very proud of and one that someday I hope he will put down in written words that I can share. My husband is able to beat the demons and fights (and wins) his own battle every single day against substance abuse.

My husband, my babies, my friends and the many people who have adopted me into their own lives and their own families give me the love and strength that I need EVERY SINGLE DAY and I am so grateful for all of them.

I was watching the movie "Stuart Little" with the family the other day. There is a scene where Stuart tells his adoptive parents about the 'empty space' that he has inside where his mom and dad go. I know just how he feels. I know my mom will never be a part of my life and I've come to terms with it. However, knowing that doesn't make the empty space go away.

I miss my mom.

6 comments:

maggie, dammit said...

I'm so sorry.

I don't know what this is like, but my very best friend in the world does. We grew up together, and I have watched her cycle through it all to this place where she is now, essentially mourning her father while he still lives. It's a wound that never stops bleeding.

These stories are so important because they keep me sober. They're all flash-forwards to who I would have been, and I'm grateful for the gift.

Thank you.

Shelli said...

I understand.

Stephanie J said...

My Dearest Jo:

I also miss my Mom, although you know this. The pain of someone even saying the phrase, "Oh, I need to call my Mom later" punches a hole so deep and big through my heart that it requires me to take a long, deep breath to keep from crying on the spot. But I know what happened to my Mom, and although her passing was certaining the hardest thing I've had to deal with to date, it was at least a closure to some extent. I'm sorry that you have never had that. But you are stronger for it - look at all you have accomplished in your life, DESPITE what happened in your past. You took your not-so-happy-childhood and OVERCAME the obsticles that would have kept most people down.

So, head up, my dear friend. The loss and mistakes are hers alone to bear. And together you and I will face the world, missing our Moms but knowing that we CAN go on. And always know in your heart that my mother stands behind you as much as she stands behind me, guiding us through life's turbulant times and rejoicing in our successes......

Ash said...

that was beautiful. i'm so sorry lady. know that there is a world of people who love you, including that growing lil bean inside you who will love her mommy fiercely.

kris said...

Awwww . . . you.

You are all tender and vulnerable. Lovely pregnant you. I know what it is to feel those spaces that you wish would be filled. Although in my case?

The holes were different.

And yet the same.

Sigh.

We should talk sometime.

Sooner rather than later.

I believe I know you.

Kindred injured spirit.

Sigh.

Alex@LateEnough said...

I loved your honesty in this post and the one about why your mom isn't in your life anymore. I understand how much you can miss someone who don't or can't have in your life. It hurts. I've been told to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. And that helps. But I've also been told that grieving and missing is normal too. belated ((hug))