Tuesday, February 2, 2010


A long time ago, I took a lot of the stuff from my past and gathered it up. I looked it over carefully and examined it. Being the pack rat that I am, I could not bear the thought of getting rid of it entirely so instead I boxed it up in a nice big box, wrapped it generously with packing tape and stored it away in the basement.

The other day, I went down to the basement and opened up that box because I needed to look at something. I looked at the things in the box, wondering why I was still holding onto them. I thought about throwing it all away. Instead of doing that, I put the stuff back in the box and taped it shut again.

The box seemed very sturdy and strong at first and the tape worked very well at keeping my stuff contained. But now that I've opened it, the box isn't as strong as it used to be. It isn't holding onto my stuff as well anymore. The tape keeps slipping and stuff keeps falling out.

Part of me wants to get a new (and bigger) box and a new roll of tape and just cram all of that stuff into it so I can jam it back into the corner of the basement and forget about it. Another part thinks I should go through my stuff, weed out a few things that have value and junk the rest.

My problem is that I have a tendency to hold onto things even when it's not good for me. Also, I never really forget about stuff, no matter how hard I try.

So yeah, my post the other day seems to have opened up a big 'ol can of worms with me. I've been doing lots and lots of reflecting the last few days. Most of the time I feel pretty good about things. I've done all the right things to cope with my past:
  • Therapy to deal with abuse and abandonment issues? check
  • Deal with anger in an appropriate manner? check
  • Take medication to deal with depression issues? check
  • Make conscious decision to not beat my kids? check
  • Show and tell my kids every single day how much I love them? check
  • Communicate with my children so that they feel they can always share thoughts and feelings with me and come to me if something is wrong? check
  • Keep my kids safe? check
  • Have loving, warm, open and honest and non-abusive relationship with my partner? check
But there is still that little person in my head that feels like it was her fault. She feels like did something to cause it. She feels like she should have done something different. She feels...bad.

Daily, I work on feeling good about myself. I work at being positive. I work on being good to myself. Intellectually, I know that none of the past stuff was my fault. I know that I'm a strong and capable person. I know I deserve to be happy and don't deserve to take crap from anyone.

But still...that little person in my head is a little louder on some days more than others.

Most of the time I do very well at shutting her up. Most of the time I really do concentrate on how good my life is and how happy I am. Most of the time I truly AM happy. It's just that once in awhile (like when I go down to the basement and open up the box of my old stuff), her voice gets loud enough for me to hear.

I don't want her to go away, because she is a part of who I am. I just wish I could finally and completely convince her that she is good, and pretty and smart and funny and deserves to be happy.

Speaking of reflections, check out this little bit of cute/creepiness:

Could my husband and son be any cuter and more identical???? Love it, even as it continues to creep me out a little. I wonder if ANY of my DNA made it in there at all??


Amanda said...

Your right girl.. they are identical!! And my heart just goes out to you... I have no idea how you are so with it and sweet and kind when you have suffered such loss and pain. You are an amazing woman.


Unknown said...

Abuse is something I've never dealt with. I do know how frustrating it is when you feel like you've dealt with something the "right way" and still doesn't get all better. I think sometimes there is no right way. You're doing an amazing job.