Friday, January 19, 2007

I AM SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!

So, I used to work at this job that I REALLY loved. Worked there for four years. It was hard work. I was stressed all of the time. My job should have had two or three people doing it there was so much work. Other places with my position actually had multiple people resposible for the same work load but our budget wouldn't allow for more staff. I did it alone. I was perpetually buried in work. I also had issues with co-workers. Seems I think you should always try to respect people and they didn't. It was all women there and there could really be some good catfights. But I stayed. I stayed for a really long time. I even got written up for supposedly not doing my job. I still continued to stay. At one point I even found another job and put in my notice. My main boss asked me to stay. Offered me more money. Assured me that things would get better there. Assured me that she knew there were problems with the place and that she valued me as a person and an employee. So, I stayed.

After awhile, I took on more responsibility when I didn't have the time as it was because we were so short-staffed. See, people kept quitting because it was so bad there. I asked my supervisor for help and she told me that if I did my work then I wouldn't need to ask for help. This is the same supervisor who told me flat out at one point that I wasn't doing my job in front of OTHER PEOPLE. The same supervisor who (when she was not my supervisor) repeatedly disrespected me; this disrespect included name-calling at one point.

I'll admit at this point that I was not always blameless....sometimes I did buy into the negative attitude of my work environment and even partipated in some of the negative behavior. I admit that I sometimes was a person that I didn't like AT ALL while working there. However, I tried REALLY hard to be professional at all times and gave my best effort to that place. I was told on countless occasions how valuable, helpful, wonderful, etc. that I was to that place by people who worked there and other people who did business with the company. People told me that she saw how hard I worked and how hard I tried.

So, finally one day I quit. My supervisor told me that I didn't need help to do my job, that anyone else would be able to do it without help. Same woman who yelled at me previously when I got buried in work and didn't ask for help. So I got mad, went to my desk, packed up my stuff and left. My main boss stopped me on the way out of the door and we talked. A LOT. About everything that had been bothering me. EVERYTHING. She asked me not to leave. She asked me to think about it and take some time off. So I did, but ultimately told her I was standing by my decision to stay gone. I offered to come in and train my replacement, which I did even though my "old" supervisor said I should stay gone and said "We don't need her." I did it anyway because I stand by my word.

Finally, it was over. I was home with my kids, enjoying not working for the first time in my adult life.

Five months go by, then I get an email from my old boss (not to be confused with the abusive supervisor). They just had an unexpected opening on staff. They were wondering if I could help out - temporarily. Just until May. Initially I say no, but am asked to really give it time and think about it. A couple of flattering phone calls and e-mails later I'm tempted to say yes. Just for a little while, only until May...not like forever. I e-mail my old boss and tell her I am considering it but need a few things to be successful. I tell her those things. Another phone call...sounds like we agree. I agree to think some more. She says to take until Monday if I need to.

I talk to a couple of people and get the impression that things are no better there since I'd left. Same old shit. Gossipping, people disrespecting each other, no one taking accountability for anyting, pointing fingers, etc...still. They need someone to help and it is hard to say no.

Yesterday I spend most of the day in bed playing video games trying not to make a decision when really I know that the answer can only be NO THANK YOU. I need (and my family needs) me to be sane and that place will probably make me crazy. I'm working up the nerve to say no then GUESS WHAT?????????????????????


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Almost a week of HELL so that it can turn out that I was just being jerked around. I am so mad I cannot even believe it. I'm so mad at myself for even considering going back. WHAT IS WRONG with me for even thinking about it?????

There is more but I am too mad right now...

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